he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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