My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
