you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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