how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She told me I should be a condom model.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just had sex on a roof
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
