Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
