And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
