I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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