A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
