I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
