I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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