My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
