1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
