i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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