Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
