Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
