There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
