It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
