oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
