I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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