just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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