can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
