I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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