I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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