What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
