I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
