College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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