I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
