I need to stop coming to work sober
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Randomize
