i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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