I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
