i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
