Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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