Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
