i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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