there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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