when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
