Whod you bang
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
