Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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