Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
