PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
