dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When did angry sex become our thing?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
