hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
