well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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