I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
