I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My vagina just recognized that song.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
