why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
