just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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