dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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