Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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