i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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