soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
