Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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