someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
