New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
