Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
