I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
