I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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