Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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