the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
