textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
