I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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