i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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