My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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